A series of great
Quips, Quotes & Anecdotes
collected from everyday people

Quips

The Almost Cockney Collection

Almost Cockney

"You wouldn't Adam and believe it would ya".
Helen Drever

Almost Cockney

"Up the Apples and stairs".
Helen Drever

Almost Cockney

"I'd be on it like a car on a bonnet".
Helen Drever

Almost Cockney

"Alright me old Cocker Spaniel".
Helen Drever

The How Collection

"So how do gooduns fart?"

Tom Heron

"How happy is a pig in shit?"

Tom Heron

"How keen can mustard be?"

Tom Heron

"How drunk do lords get?"

Tom Heron

"How sober is a judge, really?"

Tom Heron

"How do troopers swear?"

Tom Heron

"How mad are hatters?"

Tom Heron

"How daft can a brush really be?"

Tom Heron

The Who Collection

Who makes snap decisions without a second thought?

Tom Heron

"Who in their right mind is putting

margarine on toast!"

Tom Heron

Who thinks they' re the special one when their just an average joe?

Tom Heron

Who continues lying when they know that they've been caught?

Tom Heron

Who clings onto a lover when they really should let them go?

Tom Heron

Who's always in a hurry when they've got no place to be?

Tom Heron

Who walks into a coffee shop and orders them a tea?

Tom Heron

Who's still wearing big buckle belts and winkle picker shoes?

Tom Heron

Who thinks they have reached the point where there's nothing left to lose?

Tom Heron

Who's always on a diet but never loses weight?

Tom Heron

Who lives in a village that acts like a sovereign state?

Tom Heron

Who's always indecisive never knowing what to choose?

Tom Heron

Who's always being influenced by other people's views?

Tom Heron

Who's always saying sorry when it's never them at fault?

Tom Heron

Who's been running for a bus wishing they were Usain Bolt?

Tom Heron

Who's never heard of Howlin' Wolf but claims to love the blues?

Tom Heron

Who reads all the gossip then starts living off fake news?

Tom Heron

Who puts on a brave face when they really are in pain?

Tom Heron

Who was Carly thinking of when she wrote "your so vain"?

Tom Heron

Who wears dainty sandals knowing they've got size 12 feet?

Tom Heron

Who claims to be a veggie then secretly eats meat?

Tom Heron

Who writes silly love songs, sir Paul has wrote the most?

Tom Heron

Who's crying over spilt milk when they're really not to blame?

Tom Heron

Who drives down the motorway using just the middle lane?

Tom Heron

A Collection of Kiddies Quips

Babies

"Feed Me Now".

"Yep It's full again, It's what we do".

"Poooooh! Mums turn".

"Poooooh! Dads turn".

"Incoming!!".

"Approach with caution".

"Potential to go off in your face".

Kids

"It's not for me, I'm just a kid".

"It's because I'm just a kid isn't it".

"Have you tidied up your room"?, "why would I , I'm just a kid".

"Do you want smashed avocado on toast". "Yuk why would I, I'm just a kid".

"Don't ask me, I'm just a kid".

"How would I know, I'm just a kid".

Great Quips collection

"Never jog your granny while she's shaving".
(Best advice I ever got)
​Steve Elliott 71, Glasgow

"The longest sentence in any language is 'I do'".
Tom Heron

"Let's go make dough".

Tom Heron

"Apparently my friends have been trying to tell me I'm too

loquacious but they couldn't get a word in!".
Tom Heron

"My partners favourite word is

Hippomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
Frightens the life out of me".
Tom Heron

"When the weather's good and you're feeling great,
don't forget to Re Hi Dr8".
Tom Heron

"Does DNA stand for

the National Association of Dyslexia?".

Tom Heron

"Sex is great when you Re Hi Dr8.
More Prosecco dear?"
Tom Heron

"I don't think a coy carp pond in your

garden is a good idea Mr. Heron".
Tom Heron

"Calling your son Kaja could make life

very difficult for him Mr. Googoo".
Tom Heron

"Congratulations, you are now a fully qualified dentist. You may want to consider

practicing under your maiden name Mrs. Hacker".

Tom Heron

"You may want to reconsider calling your daughter Sheila Mrs. Blige".

Mike Newman

Fictional book title:
Rusty bed springs by I. P. Knightly
Mike Newman

"Twisting my words will only spell sword".

Mike Newman

"If you bite off more than you can chew
you're just a greedy bugger".
Mike Newman

"Being a good watchmaker is all about timing!".

Mike Newman

"Walking on eggshells is a cracking idea".

Mike Newman

"A glass ceiling can be a real pane.".

Mike Newman

"Just because you are an insomniac doesn't mean you should lose sleep over it".

Mike Newman

"Do sniffer dogs smell more than other dogs?".

Mike Newman

"Horse trials never find them guilty".

Mike Newman

"Kangaroo courts make me hopping mad, and the kids are all called Joey".

Mike Newman

"Obesity, fat chance".

Mike Newman

“Humour can be a funny thing”.

Mike Newman

"If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they all made out of meat" ?

Terry, Swindon

"I know the Scots love the New Year but what's with the Mahogany?".

Terry, Swindon.

"I'm an agnostic insomniac who suffers from dyslexia.
I lie awake every night wondering if there really is a dog!".
Father Michael, Swindon

Doctor to patient:
"I'm so sorry, I can't save the arm....
But I can definitely save the watch".
Steve Derby