A series of great
Quips, Quotes & Anecdotes
collected from everyday people
Quips
"Never jog your granny while she's shaving".
(Best advice I ever got)
Steve Elliott 71, Glasgow
Available to print
"The longest sentence in any language is 'I do'".
Tom Heron
Available to print
"Apparently my friends have been trying to tell me I'm too loquacious but they couldn't get a word in!".
Tom Heron
Available to print
"My partners favourite word is Hippomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
Frightens the life out of me".
Tom Heron
Available to print
"When the weather's good and you're feeling great,
don't forget to Re Hi Dr8".
Tom Heron
Available to print
Q. "Does DNA stand for the National Association of Dyslexia?".
Tom Heron
Available to print
"Sex is great when you Re Hi Dr8.
More Prosecco dear?" .
Tom Heron
Available to print
"I don't think a coy carp pond in your garden is a good idea Mr. Heron".
Tom Heron
Available to print
"Calling your son Kaja could make life very difficult for him Mr. Googoo".
Tom Heron
Available to print
"Congratulations, you are now a fully qualified dentist. You may want to consider practicing under your maiden name Mrs. Hacker".
Tom Heron
Available to print
"You may want to reconsider calling your daughter Sheila Mrs. Blige".
Mike Newman
Available to print
Fictional book title:
Rusty bed springs by I. P. Knightly
Mike Newman
Available to print
"Twisting my words will only spell sword".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"If you bite off more than you can chew
you're just a greedy bugger".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Who the hell scornes anymore?".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"Being a good watchmaker is all about timing!".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"Walking on eggshells is a cracking idea".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"A glass ceiling can be a real pane.".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"Just because you are an insomniac doesn't mean you should lose sleep over it".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"Do sniffer dogs smell more than other dogs?".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"Horse trials never find them guilty".
Mike Newman
Available to print
"Kangaroo courts make me hopping mad, and the kids are all called Joey".
Mike Newman
Available to print
“Humour can be a funny thing”.
Mike Newman
Available to print
"If were not supposed to eat animals, why are they all made out of meat" ?
Terry, Swindon
Available to print
"I know the Scots love the New Year but what's with the Mahogany?".
Terry, Swindon
Available to print
"I'm an agnostic insomniac who suffers from dyslexia.
I lie awake every night wondering if there really is a dog!".
Father Michael, Swindon
Available to print
Doctor to patient:
"I'm so sorry, I can't save the arm....
But I can definitely save the watch".
Steve Derby
Available to print
Driving instructor:
"Why are there rumble strips in the road?".
Pupil:
"So that blind people know that there's a roundabout".
Jerry Somerset
Available to print
Driving Instructor:
"If you are exiting the roundabout before twelve o'clock you indicate left,
if you are exiting after twelve o'clock you indicate right".
Pupil:
"Why, do they shut that road in the afternoon?".
Jerry Somerset
Available to print